NO ED...NO JAKE..

hello there sweet fox,
mau curcol aja nih..
haha..
udah empat hari nih sigle.wkwk
btw, gue tuh udah hampir 3 bulan sih sama dia..
jadi jangan salah paham klo gue cepet bgt putusnya.
haha.gue postingnya baru2 ini sih. :d
kenapa gue masih nyesek aja yah?
payah nih.
hmmm....dyt inget.
rememberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
dia gak butuh lo. dia pasti udah dapet perempuan lain. dan, DIA PASTI GAK KEHILANGAN LO.
dia pasti gampang ngegantiin lo.
dia pasti ngegantiin lo dengan mudahnya.
mungkin dia udah dapet pengganti lo.
dia gak nganggep lo penting kok dyt.
camkan itu dyt.HARUS.
dia sekarang mungkin lagi sama perempuan lain.
so,
tegar dyt.
tegar.
tegar.
tegar.
DAMNEDDD.
biar gue selalu remind myself to stop thinking about it,
i just can't get him out from my mind.
KAPAN SIH LO HILANG DARI PIKIRAN GUE?
KAPAN?

kenapa my heart ached like a hell when i saw his status?
"buka lembaran baru.cari pacar BARU.....and blablablabla..."
kambing, gue rasa - rasanya kok nelangsa yah??
demiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i'm not okeyyyyy.....
i'm NOT OKEYYYY.....
(lagunya mcr)
huft.
BOMAT AJA DEH.

gue adalah bella yang ditinggal edward.
posisi kita emang agak mirip,
dia ngerasa gak cukup deserve buat gue.
padahal gue gak pernah keberatan dengan itu semua,
gue terima dia apa adanya.

yes, i AM bella who had left by edward and got no Jacob around me.
no jacob who's going to protect me and cheer me up..

neither..
hope someone will be my jacob. wanna be?

could it becomes more complicated here?
i dunno,

btw.
kehidupan gue gak sepeti yang orang2 bilang.
it's great to being me, NOPE.
you ARE ABSOLUTELY DAMN WRONG...
gue emang punya keluarga yang baik. my parents ARE the most
faithfull couple in this world. mereka satu - satunya
couple yang bisa ngeyakinin gue bahwa real love DOES exist.
tapi cuman satu couple itu aja. the rest? GO TO HELLL..

dan gue lack of cares.
gue lelah dengan image seorang kakak yang selalu tanggap, tegar,tegas,
dan selalu bisa diandalkan. dalam keluarga gue, tanpa di sadari oleh
ortu gue, gue udah di didik untuk dewasa sebelum umurnya. selalu diposisikan as
adult. gue juga gak bisa manja2 dan dari kecil udah punya prioritas untuk kerja.
pandangan gue jauh dari anak - anak pada umumnya. i lost my time to be an ordinary
cheerfull girl. teenage with all kindaf stuffs. nope, i'm being so much diff from them.
gue belajar menyadari kalau gue adalah calon tulang punggung keluarga.
gue merasa beban ini berat dan sangat membebani.
no times for playing thing.

i felt hopeless since long time a go..

bahkan gue belajar untuk gak nyusahin.
gue menekankan kalau gue gak boleh manja. even i wish i could..
no hug.
no sweet things.
gue jadi pribadi yang lumayan tertutup dan sulit berbagi cerita ke keluarga gue sendiri.
gue cuman gak mau nambah masalah. gue juga belajar gak ngeluh dalam keadaan apapun.
gue gak mau ngebebanin bonyok dengan rengekan gak penting.i just learned those stuffs until
i reliazed that's become my characteristic now.

gue terkadang mau teriak..
HEY I WISH I COULD BE A LITTLE BIT CHILDISH..
gue pengen so coloured by, just like others.
di care enough, di elus kepalanya...
gue pengen...i badly want it . treat like I AM A CHILD.
gue pengen sedikit aja ngerasain kayak gitu. but how?
gue ngiri sama temen gue yang bisa bermanja ria sama bonyoknya, sama temennya, sama PACARNYA.
bisa bebas ngomong dan santai. free from task..
tapi bonyok gue udah biasa nganggep gue dewasa.

menjadi dewasa, i guarantee you won't glad.
hanya ada ruang kosong.
gue sepi banget, kesepian.

ketika gue pulang malem dengan siapapun, bonyok irit banget nanyain dimana gue.
apakah mereka peduli? i feel pity to myself.
mungkin, tapi knp gak ditunjukin?

sedangkan temen2 gue? mereka udah ditanyain berkali2 sama ortu mereka.
what a lil' envy, didn't i used to be?
YES.
knp ortu mereka care banget sama anaknya?

mereka punya cara tersendiri, mencintai anak - anaknya.
i believed in that.

tapi terkadang, i feel so need kind of cares.

hidup gue udah terlalu datarr..sedatar giginya paris hilton (sorry i had no idea to compared to)

tekad gue adalah membahagiakan orang tua. sampai detik ini prioritas utama gue adalah itu.
mereka gak tau apa yang gue tetapin dari dulu.
walaupun gue gak pernah bilang,
apa yang diajarkan sama ortu gue adalah,
"love and care don't have to spell in words. but, in what you're going to do for it,prove that you ARE really meant."
"silence, sometime is a thing that show you ARE understand each others."
"to dedicate takes all soul,heart,mind and energy. Do a pure hearted whenever you're at. even honoured evil gets the rule. "

that all folks. see ya..

THIS IS IT

Hei, i really have to called by a name nih..
gak enak ga ada nama haha..:D
fox,
what a sweet name..
oke fox,

*sigh*sigh*sigh*sigh*
i've broken up with him. i rather have to called him ex.
broken up-nya kemaren.
yah gitu deh. tau masalah yang kemaren kan??
yah, dari sana pembicaraan kita melebar..bar bar..
terus semua dibicarain baik - baik sih. jadi putusnya juga baik - baik.
maybe we're born not to be complete each others.
kita bukan takdir.

ya sudah.

tapi masalahnya gue tuh tadinya bisa banget. gak ada rasa apa - apa.
even i wan't cried or leak out..sama sekali.
mungkin lataran doa nyokap dari mekkah kali yah,
dia berdoa buat gue. biar gue dapet yang terbaik..
thanks mom, you did it. mungkin memang dia bukan yang terbaik buat aku..

manjur yah,

huft, tapi sekarang gue ngerasa ada BIG BLACK HOLE IN MY HEART.
damned! gue kangen gak nahan sama dia.
kangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen
bangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
gue rasanya uring - uringan aja.

tadi sebenarnya gue sms dia minta ketemu,
dia tanya kenapa,
gue jawab gak ada alasan. mungkin dia kira gue minta balikan kali yah
tapi i swear, i never think about it.
keinginan gue sederhana , cuman pengen ngeliat dia untuk terakhir kalinya.
itu aja kok. gue juga gak tau mau ngapain.
hmmm...mungkin, i'll hug him.
seerat mungkin.
tapi, it's impossible now.

we ARE ex now.

dia curang deh, bikin gue kayak gini. bener gak?
gue ngerasa kosong..banget. kenapa yah?
apa gue udah mulai kehilangan?

udah dyt lupain aja,
toh dia mungkin sekarang lagi ketawa - tawa. dia gak butuh lo dyt. TRY TO BE STRONG.
dia paling udah dapet perampuan lain.
forget him,
you'll get another..

*sighhhhhhhh*

ada satu hal yang gue benci.
kenapa sih cowo2 itu selalu bilang,
"kamu terlalu baik buat aku"
wtf??!!
gue benci banget kata - kata itu.
BENCI BANGET.

i reliazed that, gue amat sangat rapuh sekarang. gue jujur..butuh orang buat meluk gue . cheer me up or whatever it is..
tapi disini gak ada siapapun. so lonely.
sepi..
gue gak bisa nangis,
jangan paksa gue nagis..karena gue udah (menangis dalam) tertawa palsu untuk menutupi itu semua. jangan buat gue sia - sia tertawa.
gue udah gunain seluruh kemampuan untuk terlihat tegar.

i'll miss those little silly things..
i'll miss it a lot..
walaupun gue yakin dia gak bakal kehilangan gue sama sekali.
gue tau dia gak sedih.

hal - hal yang bikin gue inget dia:
1. motor
2.suara motor
3.nightmare before christmas
4.basket
5. bola basket
6.basket accesories
7.jacket
8.warna hijau
9.warna biru
10.sofa ruang tamu
11.sofa ruang tv
12. helm
13.koran
14. sweets/makanan manis2 dan gula.
15.AW
16.jalan
17.lampu jalan
18.gading
19.giant
20.mm
21.gramedia
22.PS
23.kaos LA streetball
24.streetball
25.kunci motor
26.castle burger
27.dufan
28.facebook
29.msn
30.lukisan
31.lagu insomnia-craig david and wheesung
32.lagu midnight bottle-colbie caillat
33.lagu 4 in the morning-gwen stefani
34.kaos V neck
35.La piazza
36.minuman
37.HP nokia
38.BB curve
39.Rnb songs
40.kamera
41.alergi ikan
42.club basket
43.air dingin
44.es batu
45.bantal
46.sepatu coklat
47.eskalator.
48.life music
49.tebs
50.christmas carol
51.get merrid 2
52.nirina zubir
53.final.dest. 3D
54.tiket bioskop
55. kalung jam paris gue
56. laptop gue
56.HP gue
57.tas dia
58.rumah gue
59.Blitz
60. bilyard

dan masih bnyak lagi..
masih banyak lagi..................

gue lagi butuh di cheer up.
kambing mampet.
i really need someone to protect me,
gue butuh sosok itu.
tapi gak ada lagi yang perhatian sama gue,nanyain kabar gue,bilang sayang sama gue, meluk gue, khawatirin keadaan gue, ngelus kepala gue,jeles sama gue, bikin gue ketawa geli, bikin gue terharu,bikin gue ngerasa so sweet lagi..

semua itu hilang.
sepi bgt rasanya.
hampaa..

*ups i start to cry*

gue harus strong.
yes, i have to.

Haven't you?

To really love a woman
to understand her
you've got to know what deep inside
hear every thought see every dream
and give her wings when she wants to fly
and when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really woman
When you love a woman
you tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody
to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
really, reallly
ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
to let her hold you
till you know how she needs to be touched
you've gotta breath her
and really taste her
until you can feel her in your blood
when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really woman
When you love a woman
you tell that she's the one
She needs somebody
to tell her that you'll always be together
so tell me have you've ever really,
really, really ever loved a woman?

You've got to give her some faith
hold her tight
a little tenderness
you've gotta treat her right
she will be there for you
taking good care of you
(you've really gotta love your woman) (yeah)
and when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms
you know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really woman
When you love a woman
you tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody
to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever, really
really, really, ever loved a woman?
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?
("Have you ever really loved a woman">>Bryan Adams)

Cerita lagi deh. Maaf kalau bosen.

haha..kayaknya udah ketebak deh apa yang mau gue ceritain
lagi..

yups, again and again..
about my bf.

sebenarnya tadinya sih bisa - biasa aja.
tapi gue dapet laporan, kalau dia ********h..
gue coba cari info sih, secara gue orangnya gak bego masalah beginian.
yah, ternyata ada indikasi kalau..mungkin,
he's on cheating or whatever it will be really cheating act or nope..

and i'm so sick about it.
hurt a little bit (if it is rite) , tapi kalau itu bener gue malah jatohnya males dan ilfeel..
bukan marah,
palingan kesel aja..

if he really did it, i'll absolutely break him up.
gue gak pantes buat jerk kayak gitu.
bagi gue faithfulness is number one, top of my list.

harta? udah gue bilang gak penting banget bagi gue..
tampang? emang penting sih, tapi bukan prioritas juga..buat apa ganteng tapi jerk!
pinter? sama, bukan juga..

kesetiaan yang ada di atas itu semua.
gue egois masalah cinta.
honestly,
i want to be the only one.
i want my man see me as the one. only me.
i want my man love me as the one.only me.
gue mau hanya gue yang ada dipandangannya..

So, that's why i called selfish to myself..

i envy bella and edward.
so much,
love life yang perfect.
i do really hate that i (maybe) can't have such story like them. tercipta hanya untuk satu orang. bahkan, edward menunggu hampir seabad. 90 tahun!
could you imagine that?
oh my..for god's sake!

tapi yang gue lebih benci,
ketika gue jatuh untuk seseorang,
i'll give my whole heart.
i am going to fall with my all.

gue kuno banget yah?
ada yang bilang gue itu berlebihan,
tapi apa boleh buat.
gue gak bisa ngerubah apa yang ada. gue ya gue.
bomat kalo gue KUNO.

ini yang ngebuat gue -personally- do NOT believe real love like soulmate ever exist in this world.
ga mungkin ada love like adam dan hawa gitu..
seperti romeo dan juliet, what the hell..impossible.

So, kita liat aja.
gimana nanti..semuanya berakhir..

.sketches.me.made.

MERMAID>MERMAID>MERMAID>>>>>........;D

webcam @ school

we will rock you!..:D

YESTERDAY'S SAD MEMORY

Yesterday my parents gone.

but not really gone like that! Gosh..!

Oh my, NOPE . buang pikiran itu JAUH - JAUH. I’m not ready yet .
I’m just ordinary 16 years old teenage.
The new is,
They will have hajji for about almost a month.

Hmm…ternyata gue gak bisa nahan air mata juga..
My tears just leak out from my eyes. Even though I tried to be strong. Gue sampe ga sanggup buat natap mereka , mereka tuh melambaikan tangan ke gue gue dengan begonyaa malah nunduk. Ah elah, cengeng abis deh . tapi gue udah bomat aja sama orang – orang yang stared at me . Oh yeah, Almost everybody stared at me. Kambing mampet , tapi BOMAT AJA DEH. Toh penampilan gue udah mess up kemaren. Gue gak mikirin penampilan gue sama sekali . padahal, I used to care to my appearance .

Tapi I don’t CARE MUCH ABOUT IT . yang penting gue harus nganterin bonyok no matter what.
I can’t help myself.

When I told these (to my bf of course) , he said that it was common. Ordinary peoples usually got tear drops when something precious gone. Yes, my parents are TOTALLY MY TREASURE.
Although I never say it loud ,
I hope they’re going to be just fine. Nothing necessary happen..
I hope..:)

Gara – gara kemaren gue butuh coffee buat nenangin pikiran .
Yeah , I can’t stop myself from coffee addicted. Bagi gue coffee udah kayak mariyuana kali yah . abisnya gue tuh suka semua jenis kopi. mau itu pahit kek , latte kek, manis kek, caramel kek . I don’t really mind it cause , they’re smell damn good to me. Coffee is goddess drink ever . Heavenly delirious..
Aroma biji coffee(mau yang ditumbuk atau yang masih berupa biji) aja udah bikin gue kayak nyium perfume channel . Sounds weird, isn’t it?
Apa sih nama buat penggila kopi kayak gue? Caffeine holic? Apa yahh???
It’s kind of habit , impossible to keep myself from it .
Ugh. Maybe I can’t stop to consume these stuffs in this suck situation .
For god’s sake , I just can’t……

Aaaaaaaaaaaaa.

gini yah.
pertama - tama. gue ngerasa my bf udah bener - bener berubah.
Why?
1. dia jarang sms. sms seperlunya. singkat lagi. bikin BT aja.wtf ?!
2.it seems like he don't even care i'm still alive or not.
3. dia gak peduli sama gue. nanyain apa kek. ini mah enggak!
4. he's caring side totally dissapered. what the hell? gue gak ngerti.
5. i thought maybe he lost his love love me. in other hand, BOSEN.

kemana perginya bf yang selalu say hai dipagi hari?
kemana my old bf yang lucu dan so sweet sama gue?
i miss him a lot.
bring him back please..:"(

gue jadi gak kenal siapa bf gue sekarang.
he turns into snowman.
BRRRRR..dingin deh gue.

dia bilang dia suka pacaran yang rajin sms.
fine, i did it.
dia bilang gue DINGIN gak manggil pake sebutan yang manis - manis.
fine, i did it.
gue panggil darl lah, honey lah, sayang lah, APA LAH..
PADAHAL GUE TUH ORANGNYA GAK SUKA SAMA HAL - HAL GAK PENTING KAYAK GINI.
dia bilang gue gak boleh potong rambut.
fine, i did it.
WALAUPUN GUE HARUS MAKAN HATI, JANTUNG ATAU LIVER (eh ini enggak deh, aneh)
BUAT NAHAN DIRI GAK MOTONG GAYA RAMBUT YANG KEREN ABIS MENURUT GUE.
dia bilang gue harus ngabarin dia dimana pun gue berada.
fine i did it.
GUE BILANG DIMANAPUN GUE BERADA WALAUPUN SEKARANG DIA GAK NGABARIN GUE LAGI KALAU KEMANA - MANA . ENTAH LUPA ATAU GAK MAU NGABARIN SAMA SEKALI.

see?
gue padahal udah bodo amat sama perkataan temen - temen gue yang nyuruh gue putus sama dia. tapi mau gimana lagi, gue udah terlanjur sayang. EMANG LO CURANG BANGET.

dia gak tau gue kayak gimana takutnya pas dia marah.
dia gak tau udah berapa banyak waktu yang gue relain buat dia. INGET TUH. MALEM JUGA.
dia gak tau gue bela - belain diomelin nyokap + tampang pejabat bokap gue.
dia gak tau gue udah rela ngebelain dia dan NGELINDUNGIN dia di depan bonyok gue.
dia gak tau temen - temen gue udah ngeliat tampat NELANGSA GUE pas ada masalah sama dia. EVEN I HAD A TEARDROP FOR HIM.
dia gak tau khawatirnya gue kehilangan dia.
dia gak tau gue frustrasi pas nunggu keputusan dia .
dia gak tau gue pasrah pas ngerasa dia ngejauh dari gue.

YA DIA GAK TAU.
gue juga gak maksa dia au.
gue selalu terima bf gue apa adanya. gue seneng kalu mereka seneng. no matter if it is hurt . i'll secrife myself. gue gak nuntut ini itu.
gue gak matre.
gue juga gak aneh - aneh maunya.
permintaan gue sederhana.
terima gue apa adanya.
hargain keputusan gue .
dan , tetep disamping gue, jangan berubah.

perempuan manapun , even if it is me though , curiga kalau bf-nya berubah seperti ini,
bener gak sih?
dari super perhatian jadi dingin gini?
ada 2 kemungkinan sih..
1. perempuan itu BODOH atau IDIOT.
2 perempuan itu TIDAK PERNAH SAYANG dan menilai itu semua tidak cukup penting baginya.

lalu,
apakah gue berlebihan?
gue rasa enggak deh.

CURCOL AJA DEH GAK ADA MEDIA BUAT NGOMONG

first of all..
long time no see..bla bla bla..
bullshark for being english spoken person..
for now, i just want to express my own feeling.
okey, in short , i got a new boyfriend.
tapi yang ngeselin . dia tuh MALESIN .
shit, i never been in these kind of things . my ex-es tuh biasanya pengertian dan perhatian . mereka tau banget siapa gue. dan BIASANYA ADEM AYEM AJA TUH.
so, what happened now?
geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss,
i'm too tired to fighting , everyday.
yes, EVERYDAY. ALMOST EVERYDAY..
silly, it usually comes from easy little things. AGH WHAT SHOULD I DO?
gue tuh sadar, dia buat gue berubah sedikit demi sedikit.
sadar buat kebaikan gue juga. BUT , didn't it go too much?
kadang gue rasa dia terlalu menuntut .
So sorry aja kalau gue gak seperti your Ex-es whose you've already got before.
So sorry aja if i'm not kind of lovey dopey girl that used to be childish and sweeeeeeeet!
oh dear, i'm the girl who's independet and free . gue juga used to be a mature girl, jauh dari perempuan pada umumnya . but, is it a big deal anyway?
i thought we have to accept what are in ..
terima apa adanya kan?

gue harus gimana?
gue EMANG CUEK . TAPI GUE UDAH BERUSAHA .
like what you've told me.
but, it's just who i really am .
better for you to start accept..